Some of you may know that I am in fact a mother of two teenage boys. A set of "Irish Twins" as they are 13 months apart. My boys are the ones who blessed me with these smile lines and crows feet, and I am sure a gray hair or two ;) Being the mother of teens is weird, hard to explain, and even harder to sum up. I can still remember being their age and going through all of the things I have seen them go through first hand, but they will deny, like emotional struggles, puberty, embarrassment and crushes. As these years approached, I remembered the cringe worthy things I did and the stories of how awful adolescents and puberty were. My life was about to be filled with scream fests, slamming doors, mood swings, endless dirty laundry, and smells I couldn't explain. I began to fear the worst. I was going to end up in an asylum somewhere forgotten by the very children who put me there. Fast forward to now, what is it really like you may wonder?
So, I have not one, but TWO teenagers. Lord help me. :) Jokes aside, I often get asked what it is like, how did I prepare, and what words of wisdom I have. Honestly, I feel like as far as teens go, my two are unique. They have never fought, with me or with each other. They don't yell or raise their voice. We don't have slammed doors, cuss words, or "I hate yous". They have never intentionally disrespected or disobeyed me. None of it. They are all around good boys, young men, man children, whatever. They are odd creatures though, that is for sure.
Both are socially awkward in their own way with one being a little more shy and reserved and not quite sure how to fit in and the other being so flamboyantly outgoing and annoying that everyone flocks to him. My eldest is slightly big headed in that he believes he knows all and can spit five million facts at you as to why playing football is dangerous or how water isn't wet but wetness is a consequence of water..... My second son is my master manipulator. He was my baby for quite some time and he knows how to use that to his advantage. Most of my nights are filled with random bursts into my bedroom with flops on my bed and playing a game of 20 weird and random questions to avoid bedtimes, or protests of "nuh huh" to any and every comment from my mouth because apparently this is what passes for humor in their world. And the memes, oh lord the memes, and stupid parody videos of Yoda singing about seagulls....save yourself and never google this. No matter the amount of time that has passed, how much they have grown or aged, their little personalities always remain pretty prevalent. The only thing that really changed when these wonderful years of puberty and "manhood" came about was the fact that they smell, they are messier, and I am no longer cool, at least not in public.
I feel like there is some general outline of what life becomes once you have a teen or they become a teen. I am convinced they eat for 2-3 years nonstop, turn into this chunky version of the sweet baby you once knew, then build themselves a cocoon while they sleep, begin sleeping more, then emerge on the other side this taller, slender, man child (or woman child) that when you hear their voice in your house, you are convinced some strange person has broken into your home to rob you of all of your belongings and take your sweet children, but will do so by yelling "mom, where's the string cheese?!" We have had a couple of awkward hiccups like they now need "private time" and I can't just burst into their room with their laundry anymore, they often get the adult jokes my husband and I say to one another, and they now make adult jokes of their own on occasion. We have left the phase of laughing at the words fart and poop and entered the phase of making ball jokes and snickering at the word penis. Actually, wait, who am I kidding. They still laugh at farts and poop. When you hear the term "boys will be boys", I feel like this is where it applies. While they grow taller, their clothes get smaller, and feet get bigger, voices deepen, acne plagues their face, and their armpits smell like dying onions, their maturity level remains the same until the day they die.
Back to the general idea of adolescents, there have been areas that are " part of the territory" of having teens, like having "the talk" or setting new boundaries and guidelines, while also having to set new rules on social interactions. Some came with a little fuss but most were acceptance. I have always been very open and honest with my boys and very straight forward of my expectations and why I have them. Yes, I answer the "whys" and not with "because I said so" I make it a point to explain and rationalize my thought process and decision making because I find that when I put things into perspective for them, this helps eliminate most defiant behaviors. I do have leniencies and I do trust them whole heartedly. They understand that the reason I say "No" to the sleepover or hanging out at the theater for a late night movie isn't because of my lack of trust for them but because the situation may not be in their best interest for A, B, or C reasons. We also compromise. I let them decide a lot on their own while also trying to keep them in check and on track. One mistake I do feel I have made was their lack of information on the world. I did shelter them from quite a bit of societal influences such as the media and news which lead to them not understanding the severity of the things that happen in the world today. It leaves them naïve to how things are, which then leads to mistakes. While it is important to let kids make mistakes, you want them to make the "right" kind that won't leave them too hurt or damaged or with too severe of repercussions. So, let them watch the news, and see the events of the world. Educate them on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior in society. Because one day they will have an interview for a job, an application for an apartment, or begin looking for the love of their life or be ready to raise a child. You want to make sure that they have had the opportunities to make the mistakes needed to learn and grow into a positive influential adult.
On the topic of making mistakes. One important part of adolescence that can be the most challenging, is allowing them to challenge. This is the time when their voice develops. What better way to learn individualism and acceptable versus unacceptable behavior than by exploring it in the safety of your home with those safe and loving relationships. How does challenging your parent lead to developing a loving relationship? Lets think of a simple general scenario. An adolescent challenges their parent/guardian on a topic and the parent responds in a way that the adolescent does not like. This causes upset and turmoil and the adolescent lashes out. Maybe he or she says something negative, slams a door, or throws something. These emotions are just as new to them as they are to their parent/guardian. It will be years before they can somewhat control how they respond to situations. Whatever the action is, it calls for a reaction from the parent/guardian. Once a suitable punishment for the negative actions has been chosen, the next step is hoping the punishment ensures this do not happen again (safe and positive discipline techniques). After the events, everything returns to normal. Things calm down and the parent and child resume their loving relationship because it never went anywhere. This interaction was a life lesson that even though people make bad choices or don't practice the best judgment in some situations, they are still loved and supported by their parent/guardian.
Now, let's take a child who is compliant and complacent. Perfect kid. Never says no. Never challenges. How do they learn that even when they aren't at their best, they will continue to be loved? How will they know that in a healthy relationship, one person can make a mistake and upset the other and still be loved unconditionally. We don't want complacent and compliant children. We want children who will challenge but learn from it. Otherwise, we may have a teen who never developed the understanding that even if they messed up, they'd still be loved. This can lead to a void and voids often lead to negative behaviors and negative relationships during adolescents and possibly into adulthood. While it may be frustrating, a big part of adolescents is learning who you are, what you stand for, and what you want to fight. This voice allows you to learn and grow into the individual you will be well into adulthood. Adolescents to me is one of the most important and most confusing times. So it is important for us to be the most patient and kind.
The biggest take away here and advice I suppose I can pass on is to be open, remember that personality they have and develop doesn't go anywhere, and understand that the challenges are part of the process. This time is probably the most confusing for them and for you as a parent. Fighting the need to helicopter while also trying to give them room to live and learn. Today's society has set our children up for failure. Everything they do is a click away from being blasted on the internet, they are always in the lime light of social media, and the pressure to "be you" is at its highest when often these kids are still learning who or what being "you" even means. So next time you get into a tiff with your teen or they seem extra challenging, try to understand that this is their way of finding their place in the world and it is helping them develop positive relationships through cause and effect, action versus reaction, choice and repercussion. Try to remember what it was like for you when you were that age, and try and remember what you felt you needed at that time. Put yourself in their shoes and step out of your own.
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